Deeper In Love With You
by RainDancer123
Summary: Jen thought that she loved God to the fullest of her heart. But during a conversation with another girl, she begins to question her love for Him.


**A/N: Please enjoy! No flaming please but constructive criticisms are welcome!**

Jen hated herself.

Well, certainly not enough to jump off a high building, but enough to make her feel despondent and engulfed with sadness.

She was on her way home from Church camp in a bus filled to the brim with fellow teenagers, happy and joyful. Bored, she started chatting to some of the girls and their encounters and experience in their walk with Jesus. It was all very thought-provoking and serious, and perhaps the peak of the conversation was when little shy Sheila revealed something that filled the rest with awe.

"I've seen Him before."

The rest gaped at her, lost for words. They've met people who spoke in tongues, perhaps the most ultimate state of being in communion with God, but they've never met anyone who has actually seen Him before. They stared at her, Sheila was petite and looked sort of fragile, a quiet, reserved person who doesn't often get noticed much; if anyone had seen God before, they would never have imagined someone quite like Sheila to be the one that sees Him.

Tricia was the first to break the silence.

"So…what is He like?" she said in a hushed tone. Everyone suddenly started talking all at once, speculating excitedly on what He could look like.

Delicate little Sheila's eyes suddenly twinkled with a burning fire. "More than just beautiful," she said passionately and breathlessly, just recalling it made her heart leap with joy. She had such conviction and certainty in that simple sentence of hers that it made the others fell silent once again, believing without a doubt that He is indeed more than just beautiful.

"How did it happen?" Katharine asked.

Sheila, whose expression looked dreamy and vacated at that time (perhaps from recollecting the memory of the event), woke up from her reverie. Then the burning fire in her eyes were gone as quickly as it came and she became quiet little Sheila again. "How did it happen?" Katharine pressed, this time quite impatient.

Sheila smiled a small smile, but would not say a thing. It was like for a brief moment, she had slipped from her withdrawn façade and timid demeanor to being such a passionate soul, determined to shout to world how much she loves God, to retreating to her hermit shell again. The other girls were quite frustrated at her, for bringing the subject up and shutting it down so quickly, but she was unyielding to their whiny pleas.

Jen was silent the whole way home, looking rather pensively out the window as they passed the landscape. Her friends were worried; this was certainly not bubbly, fun-loving Jen's attitude, and no matter how much they pestered her with questions and jokes, she would simply nod her head and resume her silence.

The thing is, Jen found it disturbing. She loved God, she thought, with all her heart, so why did God choose not to reveal himself to her?

Jen was scared.

It had come when she was praying, when she kept repeating the words "I love you" to God over and over again. Her heart was thumping and cold sweat started to form on her forehead. Sure, she was saying the words, but she felt as though she did not really mean it…

She loved Him, that much she knew, but what was holding her back…?

And that's when it struck her.

_She was holding back._ That was the reason why she prayed and prayed to get closer to Him, to feel Him with her, to have a blessed relationship with Him…and not have any of the things that she prayed for. She was asking and praying for Him to get closer to her, all the while holding Him at arm's length. She was wondering, aggravated and disappointed with God that they do not have a communion that made her at peace like it was supposed to, all the while not realizing that she had been the one that was pushing Him away.

She didn't know why she was not surrendering all of herself to Him, but she does have a faint idea.

She read books about stigmatics, people with religious ecstasy, saw movies with people dying and sacrificing themselves all in the name of Christ. And while they were glorified and they were joyful that they could contribute a tiny smudge to the Kingdom of God, she felt afraid. As selfish as that was, she was frightened that if she gotten too close with God, she might suffer the same fate of all these martyrs as well. She didn't want to be one of those people, she didn't want to be skinned alive like the apostle Bartholomew or experience the five wounds of Christ like Saint Francis of Assisi.

In short, she did not think she had the strength to do all that.

She also came to realize another major factor: there was also a tiny part of her that also felt that she wasn't worthy. Not only was Jen afraid of all the horrible things that could happen to her, she was afraid of actually experiencing Him. All these saints and people who had experienced God in such an intimate manner were usually religious, holy people, who ardently and zealously loved God. And even though some may love Him incorrectly, like, say, the apostle Paul, who had been persecuting Christians, it is suffice to say that he only did it because he thought that he is honouring God by doing that. And even after he had accepted Christ, he did so with all his heart, soul and mind.

Jen feared that someday, when she drifted off to sleep, that she would see a vision of Him, in all of his heavenly splendour, and she, a sinner, dirty and filthy, unworthy to even tie his sandals. How could she? She loves God a whole lot, but she knows deep inside her that she doesn't love Him enough, she has done things that she is certainly not proud of, things that make her burn with shame, things that, she knew, would break His heart, but she done it anyway. How could she possibly meet Him, the perfect one?

Thinking about all these things set Jen off to tears. She cried, sobbing incessantly, her tears pouring down on the pages of the Bible which was laid open. She looked down and ran a hand over the pages, trying to dry all the hot tears which left water stains on it.

Then she noticed it, 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

"**No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."**

_Belong to Christ Jesus. _She repeated the words over and over again, something stirring inside of her. She closed her eyes, and she could feel Him there, right beside her; and she could almost see Him, touch Him. She wanted to so badly. She was shivering and shaking from top to toe, she could feel strong steady waves of love wash over her, making her cry anew. Those words touched her; it made her realize that even with all her fears and uncertainties, that even she was holding back…she would always belong to Him.

She murmured "I love you". But this time, she really meant it. Right then and there, she knew that she loved Him, and although it would be hard and difficult, especially for her, she decided with burning passion that she would keep trying to surrender her all to Him, to give herself up to Him, to offer herself willingly to Him, that one day she would work hard enough to love Him as much as she possibly can.

With that made up, she could almost swear she could hear the words: _"I love you too, Jen."_


End file.
